Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014)

 Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014)

Director: Michael Bay

Cast: Mark Wahlberg, Stanley Tucci, Kelsey Grammer, Nicola Peltz, Jack Reynor

So I was willing to give this movie the benefit of the doubt because dammit, I don’t like to hate on a director just because. I really don’t like it when people hate a director by default, just because everybody else says his films stink. This review comes from a guy who actually kind of enjoyed Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011) So I went into Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014) with the best of intentions, completely willing to give the film a chance; cause who knows, maybe Michael Bay has learned a thing or two about what worked and didn’t work with his previous films. But alas, it seems success has blinded Michael Bay’s judgment, he knows not what makes a good movie. Let’s face it, the only reason these movies are making money is because people love the concept of The Transformers, not because they actually like these films, because who in their right mind enjoys this crap?

This time around, the Transformers are hiding from the government because apparently, even though they saved the world from an alien invasion in the last film; they are now seen as a threat to humanity. Sure they destroyed most of Chicago, but didn’t they also save like…the entire planet from an alien invasion? But whatever; so anyhow, now The Transformers have gone into hiding. But wait! Mark Wahlberg finds Optimus Prime and brings him back to life…because he’s an inventor and he likes to tinker around with mechanical doo-dads. So anyhow, one thing leads to another and it’s The Transformers vs. The Evil U.S. Government who wants to duplicate the Transformers DNA in order to create an army of Transformers so they can use them for military purposes. Can Optimus Prime lead the Transformers once again? Can he stop the humans from creating an army of Transformer clones?

For the first few minutes of this movie, I was actually thinking to myself “why is everybody hating on this movie?” because we were getting to meet these human characters, and suddenly little by little transformers are figuring into the story and I was like “this aint so bad”, but then, somewhere around the midsection, when the action begins, things begin to fall apart. It’s the damn CGI characters, I can’t connect with them. And then, around the last forty minute mark I was praying for this film to be over! Then I understand what everyone was bitching and moaning about. Then film turns into torture! Pure and simple torture because you can’t root for anyone, because the transformers are not fleshed out characters and you can’t really root for anyone all you see are things exploding with no sentimental or intellectual value attached to the proceedings. Not even Optimus Prime, the main character in the film, is a well developed character. He’s just this stock character, always speaking like some sort of wise man. Why the hell does Optimus Prime always have to give people advice? The Transformers are all cardboard cut outs, generic characters with no depth to them, I don’t think it’s the fact that they are animated characters that doesn’t allow me to connect with them, it’s the fact that they are not developed at all. They don’t have a personality. You won’t know who the villains are; you won’t know who the good guys are, because they are all one huge indistinguishable pile of CGI crap.

Then there’s the action, which is very difficult to follow because it’s all just a mess, a huge, excessively loud CGI mess. And sad part is that it’s more of the same, Transformers fighting in a city, destroying everything. I’m guessing that the reason why they decided to shoot part of the film in China was to offer us different visuals; sadly, Michael Bay makes China look exactly the same as Chicago? Transformers fighting in between buildings is the same crap we’ve seen before, dammit Michael Bay you have all these millions at your disposal and you still can’t figure out a way to offer us something visually interesting or new? Come on dude. You could have tried something different. Instead, we get the same crap we’ve seen before, explosions, cars flipping, buildings toppling…you even swiped ideas from Zack Snyder’s Man of Steel (2013)! That whole thing about a space ship that sucks up everything in its path like a giant magnet and then drops it all back down? Totally stolen from Snyder’s Man of Steel! Bay simply played around with the concept in his own way, but it’s quite obvious Bay wished he had come up with that idea, those scenes scratch on plagiarism if you ask me.

Sure, eliminating Shia LaBeouf from the franchise was a step in the right direction and replacing him with Mark Wahlberg was a genius idea, but then you get so many other things wrong, that it’s like taking ten steps back. Okay, the film does have its moments, the bit with the cars being sucked up in the air, even though extremely similar to what we already saw in Man of Steel, was entertaining. There are obviously some cool special effects in the film, the problem is that it’s all so mind numbingly redundant, that I literally saw people walking out of the movie theater mid way through the movie. People just didn’t care. I didn’t care, and that’s something very difficult for me to do because I am very forgiving of films, especially low budget films that attempt to be creative. But when it’s multi-million productions that have every possible tool at their disposal to make a good movie and still don’t, well then I rip those movies a new asshole, which is what I’m doing with Transformers: Age of Extinction. Michael Bay, shame on you dude.  You have to know when to cut back, you have to know when you have too much, and not enough of it is good. I mean, didn’t somebody in the studio watch this movie and think it was freaking horrendous? Or unnecessarily long? If a movie is going to be this long, then the least it could do is move us somehow, or attempt to at least connect with your audience, but damn it, three hours of impersonal CGI robots is torture for the senses. The Film Connoisseur says, skip this piece of crap! It’s the stuff nightmares are made of! What a dissapointment this 2014 Summer Blockbuster Season has turned out to be!

Rating: 1 out of 5  

Pain & Gain (2013)

Title: Pain and Gain (2013)

Director: Michael Bay

Cast: Mark Wahlberg, Dwayne Johnson, Anthony Mackie, Tony Shalhoub, Ed Harris, Rob Corddry, Ken Jeong, Peter Stormare

Review:

After Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2013) came out, action director extraordinaire Michael Bay said he’d leave the Transformers franchise alone because he wanted to try and make a “smaller budget film” (which in Bay’s world means 25 million dollars) called Pain and Gain; the story of three crazy bodybuilders from Florida who decide to kidnap a millionaire, torture him, make him sign over his fortune to them, then they’d kill him and take over his life. Unfortunately that’s all easier said than done because this millionaire is one tough cookie who just won’t die! Interesting part about this story is that it happened for real! How true to life did the film turn out to be? And is it any good? 

Pain and Gain is a film that garnered some controversy because people (including victims involved in the crime) didn’t like the idea that these criminals were going to be glorified somehow, they didn’t like the idea that audiences were possibly going to sympathize with the criminals; unfortunately, those comments are completely without merit because we don’t side with the criminals in the film. These guys are despicable and we’re not meant to like them. True, they are funny dudes, because Wahlberg, Johnson and Mackie play them that way, and this is after all a black comedy, but even though they make us laugh with the craziness of the situations, we’re not meant to empathize with them, so you can throw those concerns out the window. These characters are not the heroes of the film, they are the villains. Pain and Gainis for all intents and purposes a morality tale. Like a Tales from the Crypt episode, the bad guys always pay in the end; in the end the film shows the age old idea that crime does not pay and that there is no short cut to the American Dream.

Even though this is a departure of sorts for Michael Bay who normally works with movies that cost over 200 million dollars, Pain and Gain is still very much a Michael Bay film. Keeping true to his style, there’s lots of color, there’s lots of cool cars, sunsets, scantily clad hotties, I mean, everything you’ve come to expect from Michael Bay. One thing is missing though: explosions, this is the one Michael Bay where there isn’t an explosion every five minutes, so Mr. Bay, I salute you for stretching your directorial muscles even for a bit. But same as every other Michael Bay movie, characters talk at lightning fast pace, I was going to say “as if they were coked up most of the time” but they are coked up…all the time! The chemistry between Wahlberg, Dwayne Johnson and Mackie is awesome; they truly are what keeps us watching the film. Here’s a Michael Bay film that doesn’t keep us interested via visual effects or action, what keeps us watching is the insane situations and the funny dialog, these three muscle bound criminals are so stupid! At one moment while they are planning a murder Wahlberg’s character says “I’ve watched a lot of movies, I know what I’m doing!”

Credit has to be given to Tony Shalhoub, a guy who normally plays quiet, introspective characters, yet on this show he plays against type, the rich, loud butt hole whom everybody hates. I thought it was interesting how he plays “the victim” but at the same time he is a completely despicable guy. Funny thing about Shalhoub’s character is that he was a low life in real life as well! After he helped catch the “the Sun Gym Gang” he himself was also prosecuted for committing fraud and embezzling money, though this part of the story isn’t touched upon in the film. Speaking of changes from life to screen, Of course, there were some changes, primarily with the character played by Dwayne Johnson. In real life, Johnson’s character was a wimpy looking dude, not a body builder at all. But these types of changes are to be expected, directors love to jump at the chance to make their film more dramatic, or more action oriented, bigger, louder, especially in a Michael Bay film. This is why Bay, seeing the opportunity with the always ultra charismatic Dwayne Johnson, turned his character into a 300 pound crank freak. But so what, in the end, this film is a hyperbole, an exaggeration and a very entertaining one. So mission accomplished in my book; I was laughing all the way. And just when you think the story can’t get crazy enough, Dwayne Johnson starts a bbq with human parts, the film freeze frames and a text comes up on screen saying “this story is still based on real life events”. And then it slaps you in the face, crazy people like the ones depicted in Pain and Gain could be your personal trainers at the gym, or your barbers, so think it over before telling anybody your personal affairs, they could be plotting to overtake your empire. 

    

Rating: 4 out of 5

Ted (2012)

Title: Ted (2012)

Director: Seth McFarlane

Cast: Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis, Seth McFarlane, Giovanni Ribisi, Sam J. Jones  

                                              

Review:

When Ted was first released in theaters, I totally ignored it because I thought it was going to be a stupid movie, a one trick pony about a Teddy bear doing all sorts of obscene stuff. And while it was that, it was also much more than that and I’m sorry I missed this super funny movie in theaters, I totally underestimated, my bad.  Still, I managed to laugh just as much in the comfort of my home and so I’m here to say that if like me you thought Ted was going to be a sucky movie and haven’t seen it yet, then give it a chance, you’re missing out on a truly funny movie.

Story is all about this kid named John who is a social outcast; his class mates make fun of him and he is lonely most of the time, which is why he ends up talking to his teddy bear. Like many kids at that age, when they got no friends, they make up one. One night, John wishes upon a star. His wish is that Teddy would be real, so he could talk to him like a real person. To his surprise, his wish comes true; his Teddy bear has come to life! Fast forward thirty years and John is now an adult and his Teddy bear still talks! In fact, John and Ted are best buds, they smoke weed, drink and party together. They are inseparable.  Problem is that John’s girlfriend Lori (Mila Kunis) wants’ more out of their relationship and gives John and ultimatum: her or Ted.

The most relevant thing about Ted are the themes it plays with. Yeah we have a little Teddy smoking weed and cursing like a sailor, but at its core Tedis a movie about growing up, leaving behind childish comfort zones and facing responsibilities head on. Sometimes, people don’t want to face the often times overbearing responsibilities of adult hood. Some would just rather party all the time, like that stupid ass  Eddie Murphy song. To some, responsibilities loom heavily on the horizon, threatening to end all their fun in life, so they ignore them and party as much as they can. Problem is that, if you don’t face these responsibilities and ignore them instead, then you’re hiding away from growing up, you remain a child forever, hence the term “Peter Pan Syndrome” a term commonly used in the world of psychiatry for people who just don’t want to grow up. These are people who are afraid to face anything that threatens their comfort zone. They don’t want to hear their parents, girlfriend, or friends telling them to “do something with your life”. Basically, people like this shun away anything that questions or threatens anything in their comfort zone. People who suffer from this state of mind, shun the rest of the world because they don’t want to face it, they feel inadequate facing others who have moved on with their lives.

John, the character played by Mark Wahlberg isn’t so far down the rabbit whole, he’s at least managed to get himself a beautiful girlfriend played by Mila Kunis, and he wants to become an adult even though he is already 35 years old. He has fallen into that gutter where your life is essentially going nowhere. But his girl is willing to give him a chance, and John at least demonstrates a desire to stand up for himself and become a man; which of course includes one of the biggest responsibilities imposed by society on any human being: marriage! The ultimate compromise! Can John grow up, get married and become a man? That all depends on him leaving his child like things behind, his comfort zones which include smoking weed, drinking like a mad man and watching movies. The problem with these things is not that John does them, it’s that they are the only things he does with his life. It’s all about that delicate balancing act, work hard and then you can party hard. But it can’t all be party! John at least admits that he is 35 and “going nowhere”. So this is a movie about a man who has to stop wasting his life away. The problem is Ted the talking Teddy bear. This little talking Teddy represents that friend that doesn’t want to stop partying, the facilitator of mirth, the one that always calls you up to hang out and party like there’s no tomorrow. According to the film, this type of friend can be detrimental to a person, because they are the kind of friends who won’t let you move on with their lives, who will drag you down with them into their own neverland.  

   

But you have to admit; sometimes a good party has a strong pull! And in this film the party is not only filled with babes, drugs and alcohol, it also counts with the presence of Sam J. Jones, the actor who played Flash Gordon ("Quarter Back, New York Jets!") in Mike Hodges’s Flash Gordon (1980)! This was the coolest joke in the movie for me because I am a fan of that particular Flash Gordon film, it’s so campy, so flashy, so cheesy, but oh so very fun! Thing is that this Flash Gordon joke is a running gag throughout the whole freaking movie so I was laughing like a mad man every step of the way. Take it from me; if you’re a fan of that Flash Gordon film, with Queen singing “Flash! AaaAaaaaa he’ll save everyone one of us!” then you are in for a special treat with Ted.

"Look Flash, there's Tim Burton blast him away with your laser cannon!"

Ted can be categorized as a “guy’s film” which is basically the kind of movie a guy will want to play for all his buds in his man cave, drinking beers and eating pizza, though woman can also identify with the film since it is a woman that is pushing John to make all these changes in his life. The theme of commitment in a relationship is also one that women will find interesting. Though if they want to see the female verison of this film, then I urge them to check out Young Adult (2011) starring Charleze Theron which plays with similar themes but from a females point of view. Word of warning to those who can’t take a raunchy jokes, the film does indulge into its fare share of vulgar jokes that I’m sure many will find offensive, but again, Gene Simmons definition of success shines through:  “offend as many people as possible”.  This film might have had a Teddy Bear smoking weed, drinking beers and attempting to have sex (even though he has no penis!), yet still, the film went on to make more than 500 million dollars at the box office! So a ‘congratulations’ is in order for first time director Seth McFarlane. Making such a huge hit his first time out is always something good, let’s see if he can duplicate it with his next one, which no doubt we will be seeing sometime soon. I’m sure the success of Ted has Hollywood knocking on his door as I type this.

Rating:  5 out of 5 

The original 'Flash Jump'! 

The Fighter (2010)

Title: The Fighter (2010)

Director: David O. Russell

Cast: Mark Wahlberg, Christian Bale, Amy Adams

Review:

Movies about boxing always work because they serve as a metaphor for life. You know how sometimes you feel like putting on some boxing gloves and punching life right in the face and knocking it the hell out? That’s what boxing movie do for ya. They make you feel like a winner. Its why films like the Rocky franchise have survived for as long as they have, the struggle of life translates well to these films and you feel like that boxer up there, giving it your best to beat life. Ever been in a theater during one of these films? There’s a reason why people holler at the screen during these boxing movies: they feel they are right up there with the main character, trying to beat life and come out victorious.

The thing about boxing movies is that in order to make a good one, you can’t really focus so much on the fights themselves, because if you do, you risk falling into repetition because so many movies that have come before have already explored that formula ad nauseum. Films like Gladiator (1992), all the six Rocky movies, The Boxer (1997) The Hurricane (1999), Cinderella Man (2005), Girlfight (2000), Million Dollar Baby (2004) and Raging Bull (1980), have all been there and done that. Boxing movies can sometimes go the same way most sports movies go: the boxer starts out not boxing very well, he looses a fight, then he gets better, and finally in the end he wins. If you do that with your boxing movie, you’re walking on tired ground. We’ve seen that already. And this is the very same reason why I hate sports movies in general, they are all the same. The team isn’t too good in the beginning, they confront whatever personal situation is not letting them move forward with the game, then they practice, then they get good and finally they win.

The trick to a good boxing movie is to focus more on the story behind the boxer. Who he is as a person, and go deep into his personal struggles. And I’m happy to say that this is exactly what The Fighter did. The film itself doesn’t really focus on the fights; it focuses more on the fighter, and his life. In this case, it’s the life of two real life boxers: Micky Ward (played by Mark Wahlberg) and Dicky Eklund (played by Christian Bale). Micky is trying to make it as a boxer, unfortunately he is considered a “stepping stone”; a fighter that is used to help other fighters rise to the top. But he is trying to get past that. He really wants to make it big. Unfortunately he is managed by his mother who only cares about taking small fights and making little bits of money with each one. What Micky wants is to make it big. Another thing that brings Micky down is that he is trained by his brother, who is a crack addict. Micky needs to cut ties with his family is he is ever going to make it. Will he ever muster the strength to leave them all behind?

The Fighter is predictable yes, you’ve seen one boxing movie, you’ve seen them all. And yeah, at first he sucks, then he gets better, then he wins. But what’s great about this movie is that it didn’t make a big deal about the fights themselves. The first few fights are quick moments in the film, they aren’t these long drawn out affairs filmed in slow motion or anything. They save the biggest fight for the end, but the rest of the film isn’t about the fights themselves, which a lot of boxing movies do a lot. Instead the film focuses on the two brothers and their struggles with trying to make it out of poverty. They are part of a huge family, they have something like 5 sisters, plus the two brothers. And the sisters always got something to say, though they don’t do much themselves. Micky’s family is the best example of trailer thrash there is. None of them have any education. It seems as if all they do is hang around the house all day gossiping, smoking cigarettes and watching television. But when it comes down to an opinion about something, they are all hive minded and think the same, especially when it comes to Micky’s new girlfriend whom they don’t like at all. They think she’s an “MTV girl” whatever that means. So Micky is trying to make it, but you get the feeling that his family is holding him back. They live under that hive mentality where the family thinks that no one can ever leave them to go and search for something better. Still, theres always that struggle. And yeah, its true, blood is thicker then water. And that’s really what the film focuses on, that struggle between pleasing yourself and following your dreams, and disconnecting, yet not forgetting about family.

The best thing the film has going for it is Christian Bale’s performance. If you’ve been keeping track with Christian Bale’s career, then you know the man is a freaking chameleon. He can transform from one role to the next like no other actor can, and personally, I think it’s about time the guy won an Oscar. Ever seen how thin he got for his role in Brad Anderson’s The Machinist (2004)? The guy was playing a sleep deprived individual, and to best portray this character he lost 63 pounds! Then he buffed up for Batman Beings (2005) and looked better then ever. He did the weight loss thing again when he played a U.S. fighter pilot who gets shot down and tries to survive in the jungles of Lao during the Vietnam war in Werner Herzog’s Rescue Dawn (2006). On The Fighter he went through the weight loss thing yet again to portray a crack addict. Gotta hand it to Bale, the weight loss thing really gets the trick done. But its not just about how thin he looks, his performance is really what sells the character to us. He really talks and acts like a crack addict! His character is responsible for some of the more funny moments in the film as well. As I write this, Oscar Night 2011 hasn’t happened yet, but Bale is nominated in the Best Supporting Actor category, and if you ask me, I believe he deserves that Oscar.

He isn’t the only one winning awards for his performance on this film. Melissa Leo who plays Micky and Dicky’s mother, won a Golden Globe, A Screen Actors Guild Award and a Broadcast Film Critics award. And Bale won all those awards right there with her. Both are nominated again for The Oscars. Mark Wahlberg hasn’t won any awards, and he wasn’t nominated for an Oscar, even though he is the central character of the film. I agree with that though. The real stars of the show are Bale and Leo, they offer up the strongest performances. Its not that Wahlberg did a terrible job, it’s just that Bale and Leo outshine him performance wise that’s all. So we got a film filled with great performances, backed up by the fact that it’s all based on real life events. Director David O. Russell (I Heart Hucakbees and Three Kings) choreographed all the fights according to the footage that was caught by the cameras of HBO sports when they really happened. He even filmed the fighting sequences with the same cameras the HBO crew used back in those days; it gives the fighting sequences that look that television used to have before the High Definition days. Makes it all the more genuine.

Rating: 4 out of 5