Update for all my readers!

First of all, Happy Holidays! Hope you guys are having a blast during this holiday season, sorry for being on hiatus for a couple of days there. I had not posted anything these past few days because I was on my Christmas Vacation, and I didnt really have any time to go online and write.  But good news is, as of today, Ill be coming back with a vengeance! So be on the look out for an onslaught of reviews coming your way!

Thanks for reading!

The Film Connoisseur

13 Cheesy Movies from the 80's!

According to the dictionary, ‘cheesy’ is a term that can be used to define something banal, tripe or in bad taste. Now that’s according to the dictionary. For me it means something just a bit different. For me cheesy means a film that is fun, in spite of its flaws and its hard to swallow storyline. In spite of its bad acting and its bad effects. Sometimes cheesy films are just films that are silly to the max, but I love that about them! So on this post, I present you with only some, of many cheesy 80s films. There were a lot of movies from the 80s that fell in that category, the ones I mention here are only a small sample of the ample choice of cheesy films from the decade of decadence! Im only including American films, because if I was to include foreign films, especially films from Italy, this list would have to be a lot longer! Feel free to add any cheesy movie you might remember from your childhood!

#13 - Flash Gordon (1980) - Max Von Sydow plays Ming the Merciless, who plans on destroying Earth simply for his own amusement! Flash Gordon (Quarterback for the New York Jets!) goes up to Mongo to try and stop Ming from doing so. This movie is so cheesy, it has Flash Gordon playing football in Emperor Mings Imperial Courtroom! Its ultra campy, very retro, so much so that it feels like a science fiction film from the 50’s. To the films advantage, the Queen soundtrack makes the film even more watchable! Ming the Merciless is played by Max Von Sydow who has some of the best lines. Im talking about golden nuggets of wisdom like: “Pathetic Earthlings, hurling yourselves out into the void without the slightest inkling of who or what is out there. If you had known anything about the true nature of the universe, anything at all, you would’ve hidden from it in terror” Audiences back in the day didn’t get the retro vibe that this movie was going for, so it tanked at the box office, but across the years, its gathered some serious cult following. Its one of my favorites, I can watch it and rewatch it over and over again.

Favorite Cheesy Line: “Flash, Flash, I love you! But we only have fourteen hours to save the earth!”

#12 - Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone (1983) - I must’ve watched this one a million times when it was first released! I remember loving the villain, played by Michael Ironside. The bad guy was half robotic, half human, and he moved around on this giant crane. I thought that was so cool back in the day, saw it recently and realized how unthreatening this villain was! I mean, the guy can’t even properly move on that thing! He is a sitting duck on that thing, why do people choose to follow him or fear him? I don’t know! The film stars a very young Molly Ringwald, in fact, I believe she was still a teenager when she starred on this film. But basically, the films plot is, this mercenary guy has to rescue these three hot chicks who are stranded on a dangerous planet. You see, the interstellar cruise ship they were vacationing on exploded, and they crash landed on this dangerous planet. So yeah, that’s how cheesy this movie is. The main jist of the film is the hero has to rescue three hot space tourists! 

Favorite Cheesy Line: After being promised he would be set free if he passed a test, and he does, the villain replies: “I lied! Nobody goes free! Chemist, prepare the Fusion Tube!”

#11 - Howard the Duck (1986) - This movie is the one that George Lucas doesn’t want you to know about. It was a huge disappointment at the box office! People didn’t know if this movie was for kids or for adults, the ensuing confusion was what shot this movie down before it could fly. It is an extremely cheesy film; for starters, Lea Thompson gets romantically entangled with a duck from outer space! I mean, he is a midget duck lady! At one point in the film, it is implied that they are going to have sex! Howard the Duck even has a condom in his wallet! Still, I enjoy it because it’s just so freaking 80s! Lea Thompsons character (Beverly) is part of a hair band that plays the cheesiest synth rock, the movie ends with a “Howard the Duck” theme song in a big ass concert with everybody singing along! Fireworks and all! I always enjoyed the stop motion animation on this one, its one of the last films to use stop motion animation, before CGI started to take over. I also enjoy Jeffrey Jones performance as one of the Dark Overlords of the universe, a truly over the top performance. The visual fx on this film are pretty cool as well. On the downside, Tim Robbins is a bit annoying on this one, still, not as bad as some might lead you to believe, to me this film is highly enjoyable. 

Favorite Cheesy Line: “No one laughs, at a master of….QUACK FU!”

"They call him Howard the Duck! Ugh!" 

#10 Terrorvision (1986) - This movie is so freaking awesome! Storyline is about this alien creature that has traveled from another planet and transported itself to earth via one of those giant TV antennas that people use to have on their houses back in the 80s. You remember that? When the coolest thing in the world was to have this big ass Antenna in your backyard, cause it meant you had 500 movie channels to watch! Anyhows, this movie is so entertaining, the make up effects are awesome! The characters are so freaking 80s! There’s a teenage girl who dresses like Madonna, her crazy stoner boyfriend who is obviously a metal head! Then there's the crazy war veteran grandpa, and the little kid who has to save the day! I also love this show that the kid watches that is hosted by a lady who looks like Medussa! The kids parents are swingers! The grandpa eats lizards tails because he thinks they are nutritional! This movie is pure insanity, but its so much fun! Highly recommend you check it out in whatever way you can!

Favorite Cheesy Line: “People of Earth, you must heed my warning! Destroy your satellite receivers, dismantle your communications systems, render your TV sets inoperable for the next 200 earth years!”

#9 Killer Klowns from Outerspace (1988) - Killer Klowns from Outerspace have landed here on earth! Their main goal? To harvest humans and feed on their blood! Yup! These alien killer klowns, are actually space vampires! The funniest thing in this movie are the gags the Klowns use to kill people with, they drown people in pies! They use toy guns to capture humans! Their spaceship is shaped like a big circus tent! They have killer pop corn that transforms into little creatures that bite! This movie is all kinds of fun, thanks to the Chiodo Bros. and their cool make up effects work and their crazy ideas! In the end the good guys confront a giant Killer Klown dubbed Klownzilla! Its all kinds of crazy, but all kinds of fun as well. The silly dialog really gets me sometimes! 

Favorite Cheesy Line: When a concerned citizen calls the local police station for help because the clowns took his wife, the chief of police says “They took your wife away in a balloon? Well, you don’t need the police pal! You need a psychiatrist!”

#8 Ice Pirates (1984) - You know a movie is cheesy when the tagline for the film is: “Bad Taste in outer space”. This movie is all sorts of hilarious. Basically, water is precious in this universe, and there’s not enough of it to go around. So the hero and his crew do what anyone in their right mind would do, they steal ice and sell it to the highest bidder! Cheesy factor on this movie is extremely high! The main characters are almost castrated in this machine that castrates men and turns them into sexless slaves! Ron Perlman plays himself on this one, like he does on most of his films. Angelica Houston must really hate this movie, because she is in it! She is this swashbuckler character, and actually kicks some ass in the movie! There’s this hilarious scene in which time is moving forward, because they are traveling so fast through space, and everybody on the ship starts getting super old, it’s hilarious! Robots actually crap on this one! They crap nuts and bolts! In one particular scene, the good guys are infiltrating the bad guys spaceship, and they walk in on an alien taking a dump! The special effects aren’t all that special, but the movies tongue in cheek spirit is what keeps me revisiting it.

Favorite Cheesy Line: “I hope no one minds, but I have no intentions on facing this sober!”

#7 The Last Dragon (1985) - This movie has one Bruce Leeroy (that’s right, sign #1 of the cheesy nature of this film is the main characters name!) who has to protect his families restaurant against a gang of martial artist who are also thugs! Somehow, a vj figures into the plotline, which means you'll see and hear a bunch of cheesy 80s songs. The movie tries to pay tribute to Bruce Lee, but in a strangely funny way. When characters start using their martial arts, they start glowing with a special neon aura thing around their bodies! They can catch bullets with their teeth! The villain looks like Busta Rhymes on crack! This movie was made during that time in the 80s when people carried boomboxes on their shoulders! There’s actually a scene in which kids are watching a Bruce Lee movie in a theater, and they get so into it that they start break dancing with their boombox in the middle of the movie theater! This kung fu movie has to be seen to be believed! 

Favorite Cheesy Line: “I am sick of hearing these bullshit Superman stories about the -wassah!- legendary Bruce Leroy catching bullets with his teeth. Catches bullets with his teeth. Nigga please!”

#6 My Demon Lover (1987) - This movie is about a guy who is cursed. Whenever he gets it on with a girl, he transforms into a demon! I remember loving the gooey make up effects, which were all the rave during the 80s. Every movie had to have some sort of transformation sequence, cool thing about this one was that every time the guy started messing around with his girlfriend, he would go through some crazy ass transformation! This is the kind of movie where the villain turns into an evil demon/warlock spewing powers out of his hands! The effects were decent, its sad that this flick has never made it to DVD. I remember it being so enjoyable! 

Favorite Cheesy Line: Cant remember any! I havent seen this one in a while! 

#5 Eliminators (1986) - On this one we have a dude who rides around in a tank, he is half man half robotic tank. Its hilariously cheesy. All you have to know is that the good guys are made up of an android, a mercenary (Indiana Jones type) , a lady scientist and a ninja. That’s right, I said ninja! The bad guy is a mad scientist looking to use time travel to conquer the world. He wants to travel back in time to the Roman Empire, to try and conquer the world in the past, but instead, he gets stranded in prehistoric times! Its fun times because it’s so freaking silly. Too bad it isn’t out on DVD either! 

Favorite Cheesy Line: “What is this? Some kind of comic book? We got robots, we got cavemen! We got Kung Fu!”

#4 Rock and Roll Nightmare (1987) - You know how everyone thinks Troll II is like the worst film ever made? That’s because they haven’t seen Rock and Roll Nightmare! This movie is so bad it defies description! First off, wanna know how cheesy this movie is? The films director is a guy named Thor! And he stars in his own movie! In it he plays a heavy metal singer named John Triton who takes his band to a secluded house in the middle of nowhere so they can record their demo. Little by little the band members get killed, until only John Triton is alive to face off against the devil! Funny thing is, the devil is the stupidest freaking puppet they could have ever conceived! And John Triton ends up wearing spiked leather thongs, boots, wristbands and a cape! And whats the best thing that the devil can do to battle John Triton? Hurl squids at him! This movie was all sorts of funny, precisely because it’s so bad. I say again, it rivals Troll II! Take that for what its worth! 

Favorite Cheesy Line: “Let’s tune our weapons!”

#3 Troll (1986) - When anybody mentions the Troll movies, Troll II gets most of the attention because its such a bad film. But people forget, the first one, the original was actually not a bad horror/fantasy film, and its actually quite cheesy. The story is about this little girl who’s possessed by an evil Troll who wants to try and open a portal to his dimension. The troll's plan is to turn every human in the apartment building into a Troll. Then, open up a portal for the rest of the Troll’s to come through and take over earth. What’s cheesy about this movie? Well, Sonny Bono plays one of the neighbors; he is this sex fiend always looking to get laid, he has some of the cheesiest dialog on the whole movie. The Trolls themselves are such cheesy looking monsters. They don’t really move all that much, and quite honestly, are simply hand puppets! The one cool thing about the movie is the main Troll, played by Phil Fondacaro. The make up effects work on the main Troll are cool, everything else is lackluster. But still, the film retains a certain amount of charm to it. It’s a fantasy tale, with a bit of horror sprinkled for good measure. 

Favorite Cheesy Line: “Honey, did you do a lot of drugs before you were married?”

#2 Alan Quartermain and The Lost City of Gold (1986) - This is the sequel to King Solomon’s Mines, an Indiana Jones wannabe from the 80s. This movie is pretty cheesy! Its tries to imitate Spielberg’s films, but falls short, mainly because the budget was so low! We get a bunch of campy sets that are suppose to be in the middle of the jungle somewhere. Basically, Alan Quartermain has to go get his brother who has been trapped by the evil ruler of the “Lost City of Gold’, where everything is made of Gold! Sharon Stone and James Earl Jones must hate the fact that these films are out on DVD! They both suck ass in them! James Earl Jones plays a good guy, tagging along with Quartermain. Stone plays the annoying girl who is suppose to nag nag nag every step of the way, just like Kate Capshaw’s Willie was in Temple of Doom. If you want to see a low budget version of Indiana Jones, check this one out! 

Favorite Cheesy Line: “I will squash your eye like a grape!”

#1 Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo - Wow, this could quite possibly one of the cheesiest most non sensical movies ever made! At times, it is completely incomprehensible! One scene has one of the characters, who has just broken his leg, resting in a hospital bed, when suddenly, in comes the break dancers and give him some break dancing holy spirit and he freaking walks out of the hospital! Miraculously cured! What? It’s the kind of film that makes you think “what the hell were they thinking?” One scene has Ozone, the main character in the film, break dancing on top of a building, for no reason whatsoever! Not to mention that Turbo, another one of the films characters starts dancing on the ceiling (ala Lionel Ritchie) for no reason either! Simply to fill time, simply to show the “magic of dancing”. It has that typical storyline where the big corporations are trying to make a mall, and they want to tear down their community shelter, so they stand in front of the tractors and trucks, so they cant tear it down? This has to be one of the most overused plot lines in the 80s! A reflection of how things were back in those days? Or simply a bad script? You be the judge! Whenever the Shabba Doo guy walks around with all these chains hanging from his pants, I just bust a gut laughing! The film has a couple of homosexual undertones hidden within. Theres something weird going on between Turbo and Ozone, was I alone in noticing that? Also the dialog has many homosexual tones to it, with the guys saying things like “Girls are whack man!” Ice T appears in the movie as well, I’m sure he is not too proud of that! Guaranteed laughs. 

"Quick! Somebody call an ambulance, we got a couple of fashion victims over here!"

Other Cheesy films I had no time to write about: 

Galaxina (1980)

Over the Top (1987)

The Stuff (1985)

The Dungeon Master (1984)

The Beast Master (1982)

Stone Cold (1991)

Title: Stone Cold (1991)

Director: Craig R. Baxley

Cast: Brian Bosworth, Lance Henriksen, William Forsythe

Review:

I put Stone Cold, under the same category as Sylvester Stallone’s Cobra (1986), you know, balls to the wall action with a testosterone levels that are off the charts. Right from this movies opening sequence, you can tell the director was using Cobra as a blue print. It starts out with some ass kicking in a supermarket, just like Cobra did. Brian Bosworth is dressed pretty much the same way Stallone was in Cobra, with long black trench coat, black cowboy boots and blue jeans. This film comes to us from director Craig R. Baxley who gave us Action Jackson (1988) and  I Come in Peace (1990), both of which aren’t bad action films at all. Having directed these two action films is probably what got him the job to direct this one. It’s a macho movie every step of the way. A guys film. It’s got giant motorcycles, naked chicks left and right, explosions, fights, guns, dudes kicking the hell out of each other, a biker gang. I don’t think a movie could be more 'macho' then this one.

A motorcycle gang is terrorizing the streets. The kind of gang that you don’t want to mess with. The kind of gang that if you mess with one of them, you mess with the whole lot of them. Kind of like the way the Hell’s Angels grew in the United States back in the 70’s, to the point where they had chapters everywhere. Basically, they are a bunch of red neck, hillbilly, rebels who don’t want to work 9-5. They’d rather, party 24-7, be hammered 24-7 and party like its 1999. You know, the kind of biker gang that don’t like to bathe, shave or do anything proper. They want to go against the rules! They want to smash your face! You piss them off and they answer with a sucker punch right to your balls! So basically, in Stone Cold, this motorcycle gang is pissed at some politician because he wants to make the death penalty a must in his state. The bikers don’t like that, so they want to wipe him out.

So wow, where do I start? Well, I guess the best place to start would be by talking about the films star: Brian Bosworth. He was a football player for the Seattle Seahawks back in the 80s. You know, the guy that got run over by Bo Jackson. So anyways, after a lackluster career in Football, the guy decides he is going to be movie star, making action films for Hollywood. His first stab at filmmaking wasn’t all that bad. Stone Cold, with all its cheesiness and 80s mentality is actually a decent action flick.

It’s got all the right ingredients for a good action flick. The idea behind this movie is, Bosworth goes undercover and becomes a member of the biker gang, to try and stop the assassination attempt. Its basic plotline is very similar to that of Kathryn Bigelow’s Point Break, which was released on the same year. If you remember correctly, Keanu has to try and infiltrate the gang of surfers who are holding up banks left and right. He kind of becomes friends with them and then it becomes difficult to distinguish between his real life as a cop and life with the surfer gang. Well, Stone Cold is basically that same movie. Just switch surfer gang for biker gang and replace Keanu with The Boz. This movie also made me think of Hunter S. Thompson’s book “Hell’s Angels” where Hunter S. Thompson actually lived amongst the Hells Angels for about a year, after which they kicked his ass for using them to write his book. But that doesn’t happen with The Boz on this movie. The Boz infiltrates the gang, and actually earns their respect from the get go because he starts off by kicking some ass, after he's had his egg-orange juice-banana energy shake of course!

So now comes the part of my review where I analyze the laugh inducing moments of this film, cause hey, this movie was made in the 90s, but its still got a little bit of left over 80s mentality within it; so laugh inducing moments are practically mandatory. Its an 80s action flick every step of the way. Heavy Metal was taking over back in the late 80s early 90s. This was way before Nirvana came along and screwed things up for hair bands everywhere. As a result, this films soundtrack is very heavy metal, as well as its attitude, the guys on this movie all listen to metal, they all wear skulls, rings, leather jackets. There’s only one problem, amongst all these dirty, unshaven, smelly heavy metal loving biker dudes, one person stands out like a sore thumb, and who is it? The Boz! Brian Bosworth who calls himself John Stone in the film, does not look like a biker at all. Number one, he actually wears neon colors while riding a bike. There’s this one scene where he’s wearing this neon green bandana on his head, and I’m like: Okay, its obvious, your NOT a fucking biker dude! Give it up! Another thing is: who the hell chose Bosworth’s wardrobe for this movie? Was it himself? Cause it sucks! He wears these gigantic leather jackets! They make him look like a Highlander on wheels or something! There’s no doubt about it, Bosworth was a fashion victim on this film. But hey, its great for a laugh. Don’t get me started on that mullet!

Then there is this scene in which The Boz appears in his underwear, that’s so obviously unnecessary, its like “look at me, I’m fucking hot! Bask in the awesomeness of my built body!” It was funny, and I was thinking, okay, this is a guy’s film because everything in the movie is aimed at guys, so why was that scene in there if this movie is made 100% for guys? I didn’t get it! I guess the director wanted to give something for the one or two ladies in the audience that were dragged by their boyfriends to see this action flick. I practically heard the girls screaming when that scene came on! Good thing is that the film quickly compensates by immediately placing a naked chick on the dudes bed. And speaking of nudity, there’s lots of it on this one. It has the obligatory “lets talk things out in a titty bar, with naked chicks on the background” scene. Hell, girls play pool topless on this film! So if you like some naked chicks with your action film, you’ll be more then pleased with Stone Cold.

So what else does this film have to offer other then nudity, action and The Boz? Well, Lance Henriksen playing the leader of the biker gang that’s what this film has to offer! And he plays it great. He wasn’t all that old just yet, actually, Lance Henriksen was ripped for this role! He runs the gang as if it was some sort of religion. He says “this is my cross, my church, my religion” and to top things off, when he wants to infiltrate a building, he dresses up like a preacher so they let him walk right by! He’s great in this movie. We also get William Forsythe, back in his early days. On this one he plays second fiddle to Lance Henriksen. The henchman who doesn’t trust The Boz. Not one bit! The rest of the cast is composed of real life bikers! Which adds a bit more credibility to the proceedings. Theres this one scene where all the bikers are shooting their guns, and watching these two guys kicking each others asses like some Gladiator show or something, good scene, everyone is crazy, going out of control, gotta give kudos to this movie for making these scenes genuine by using real bikers.

And then there’s the stunts! Bikes crashing out windows and exploding on helicopters! Chase sequences where bad guys smash their bikes onto oncoming traffic! When somebody is fighting in this movie and they hurl somebody, they really freaking throw them! I mean people fly! These biker dudes entertain themselves by shooting bear cans off of their shoulders! With machine guns! 

A fun action film! Its over the top, and crazy. Everybody is in “fuck you!” mode! Everything blows up, everybody runs on choppers, and The Boz kicks ass like he was The Terminator, which is really what they were trying to do here. Make Brian Bosworth the next Arnold or Stallone. Though in truth, he looked more like the next Dolph Lungdren, actually a great many scenes remind me of Dolph Lungdren. At times, The Boz actually talks like Lungdren! Anyhows, not a bad action film, actually a pretty cool one from the 90s! Right up there with Stallones Cobra. Good for a laugh, good for some fun.

Rating: 3 1/2 out of 5

This foreign poster for the film actually makes it look like a Terminator film!

Nightmare City (1980)

Title: Nightmare City (1980)

Director: Umberto Lenzi

Cast: Hugo Stiglitz, Francisco Rabal

Nightmare City is one of those movies that I always passed by at the video store simply because it had a crappy cover. I guess I should’ve known not to judge a movie by its cover because this movie was fun as hell! I mean, it isn’t perfect, its got all those glitches that you can come to expect from practically every low budget Italian horror film, but the film remains fun and fast paced in spite of all its flaws.

The story starts in an airport, when an unidentified military plane lands on an airport. No one knows who’s piloting it, no one knows where it came from, but it lands. When the doors open, murderous infected people burst out and start stabbing and killing everyone in sight! Soon, the contagion begins to spread all through out the city, until the whole city is practically infested with the infected. In the mean time, Dean Miller, a journalist is trying to contact his wife so he can save her from the deadly killers! Meanwhile, the military is trying its best to control the ever spreading contagion! Will they succeed? Or will the infected take over the city?

Nightmare City comes to us from Umberto Lenzi, the director of two of the most recognized Italian cannibal movies from the 70’s Cannibal Ferox and Eaten Alive. I have not seen these two Cannibal movies yet, but from what I hear, they are pretty savage and gruesome, so maybe that explains why Nightmare City is filled with non stop acts of gruesome murder. The thing that got me about this movie is that it grabs you from the very beginning. The whole thing with the military plane landing mysteriously at the airport was a great way of opening the film, though I doubt a plane could just land like that on any airport today. Somebody would probably shoot it down or something, but, we gotta remember, this was the early 80s, before Sept. 11 came along. But the idea was awesome, then, hundreds of zombies poor out of the plane and start murdering people left and right.

The infected in this movie are a weird mix of zombies, vampires and vicious murderers. Why? Well, they look like zombies, with their skin having these ugly wart like growths that make them look like they got their faces burned in a George Foreman grill. The funny thing about the infected on this film is that they all carry knives around with which to stab everybody they come in contact with. I thought that was the weirdest thing about these creatures…but I was wrong! They also feed on their prey like vampires! Sucking the blood as it spurts out of their victims body! The infected on this film act like zombies, but in reality, they are closer to vampires. Murderous viscous vampires, without an ounce of humanity left in them. All they think about is killing! Another strange thing about these infected is that a lot of them wear turtle necks for some reason. And a lot of them wear suits. They aren’t dressed in rags like Fulci’s zombies. These zombies look like they just got out of a dinner party or something!

The movie delivers an overdose of violence! There’s a moment in the film, where there is one murder after another for minutes and minutes on end! An infected kills someone! Then they kill someone else! Then they kill someone else! And it goes on and on like that without any sort of story developing. To the films advantage I will say that some of the killings were pretty cool. For example: an infected cuts a girl in her breast and begins to suck the blood of off her breast! In another awesome sequence, an infected takes this girl and slowly begins to poke her eye out with a knife. That scene in particular reminded me of a Fulci film, because Fulci had an infatuation with eyes. So the movie delivers in the gore department. It’s also extremely fast paced. Situations develop rather quickly in this film, so we are never really bored with it, which was one of the best things this movie had going for it. It was always moving.

Of course, there are couple of things that will make you burst out laughing while watching this movie. For example, there’s this sequence that takes place inside of a television station which was obviously inspired by George Romero’s chaotic television station sequences in Dawn of the Dead (1979). But Nightmare City’s TV. station sequences aren’t chaotic at all. At least not at first. First we are treated to a bunch of dancers doing aerobics in some sort of dance show that’s hilarious because the girls obviously can’t dance for shit. The dances are not even choreographed well! All they do well is shake their ass in front of the camera and spread their legs wide for every young dude in the audience to see. It’s obvious that this sexy dance sequence was only thrown in there to make more money; because you know, T&A in a horror movie will get those young dudes in the theater seats! And trust me, there’s lots of nudity on this movie! But of course, this naturally goes with the territory, this is a low budget horror movie after all. Another thing that had me busting a gut is a scene in which Dean Miller hurls a TV set at an infected zombie, and for some reason, the TV. set explodes in flames and burns the infected to a crisp! T.V. sets are like grenades on this movie! As you can see, I was having fun with this flick.

There’s a moment in the film when the lights go out in the city and everything is suddenly dark, to me that’s when the movie lives up to its title. It literally becomes a nightmare city because not only is it dark, but almost everyone in the film is a freaking zombie! There’s this cool sequence where a helicopter flies over the city and we go over a field that’s filled with zombies and people running away from them. They even end up going into an amusement park, which led me to believe that maybe this year’s Zombieland, though awesome, wasn’t really all that original.

Umberto Lenzi was imitating in some ways the films of Lucio Fulci. Actually, the producers wanted him to make a film that resembled a Fulci film, so maybe that’s why sometimes while watching this movie; you’ll feel like you’re watching something that old Lucio might have cooked up. But at times, you’ll also get this George Romero vibe going for it, with the whole television station sequence, or the social commentary that the film tries to squeeze in there at the last minute. I’m talking about a scene in which a character starts talking about how humanity is getting what they deserved, that humanity is self destructive. That the way we are living is only going to end up destroying us all. So at least it tries to throw in some social commentary in there as well.

I’ll never understand why I had not watched this movie before. It’s so zany, that its fun. It’s fast paced, and goes at a relentless pace! There are killings every five seconds, T&A galore, and we got Hugo Stiglitz hurling exploding TV sets! It was a fun ride, and a very underrated Italian film. I recommend this movie if you want to watch a dumb, fast paced, unintentionally funny zombie film.

Rating: 3 out of 5

2012 (2009)

Title: 2012 (2009)

Director: Roland Emmerich

Cast: John Cusack, Amanda Peet, Woody Harrelson, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Danny Glover, Oliver Platt

Review:

There’s a couple of directors out there who’s names are synonymous with bad films. Guys like Uwe Boll for example. You say his name people immediately think of low budget bad filmmaking. The kind that makes you want to pull your hairs out. Roland Emmerich has unfortunately fallen somewhere along those lines as well, only difference between him and Boll is that Emmerich makes overpriced, big budget bad films. I mean honestly, what the hell was 10,000 B.C. if not one of the worst films ever made? That film was awful beyond description. To Emmerich’s credit, not everything he has made is shit. I enjoyed Independence Day as much as the next guy, though I enjoy it a lot less nowadays. Stargate is a pretty respectable science fiction flick if you ask me. And as a kid, I even enjoyed one of his first flicks. An evil possessed dummy flick called Making Contact.

But what Roland Emmerich is most known for nowadays is his “end of the world” movies. It seems he has become some sort of an expert on these kind of films. He enjoys blowing up famous landmarks, destroying everything in site, putting humanity in peril. On Independence Day he blows up the white house! On The Day After Tomorrow, the New York Public Library gets drowned by a gigantic water wave! In Godzilla the oversized lizard tares up the streets of Manhattan and plants all of its eggs on the Madison Square Garden! So he has sort of become some what of an expert in disaster flicks. And its understandable that he wants to make these kinds of films, he is just commenting on the self destructive nature that humanity continues to display. His message is, "if we keep this up, its eventually going to bite us in the ass! And a lot sooner then we think!". So, what’s Emmerich been up to with 2012? Does it somehow surpass his previous destruction fests? Or is it more of the same?

In 2012, the sun is sending these heat waves to earth, over heating it and basically turning our planet into one huge microwave! The rivers and lakes are drying up, theres heat waves everywhere and the weather is completely out of whack! The scientists of the world have realized what’s going on and are trying to warn the governments of the upcoming “end of the world” but they are only taking it as a joke! Meanwhile, John Cusack is taking his kids out for a holiday in Yellow Stone Park, as the end of the world is about to begin! Will humanity survive the coming apocalypse? Where the Mayans right all along about 2012?

There’s lots of talk all over the world about the upcoming year. 2012. Some idiots out there actually believe that something might happen, that its going to be the year in which the world will end by some sort of cataclysmic catastrophe. A meteor? The weather will kill us? The oceans will engulf us? There are all kinds of wild theories. Supposedly, according to the Mayan calendar, the end of the world is going to come on December 21 or 23, 2012. The film takew advantage of peoples fears on this subject matter. Weird thing is The Mayan calendar doesn’t even compose a big part of the movie, its all reduced to one guy saying “The Mayans were right all along” and that’s it. They don’t go into some big explanation or tie in with the whole Mayan calendar thing. This film leans more towards the “nature can wipe us out of existence whenever it wants” school of thought, which of course is a more believable way of seeing things for me. I mean if the world was truly going to end some day, I would say it was going to happen as a result of some cataclysmic event like a meteor hitting us or the earth deciding to move around a bit; as opposed to some ancient prophecy bull crap.

So how about that destruction of the world? How did it unfold? Well, Ill tell ya, its one of the most amazing displays of destruction I have seen on any movie to date! I do not think I will see a film in which the world is destroyed in a more gargantuan way then the way it was destroyed on this film. It’s the biggest display of destruction I have ever seen! How can Emmerich top this level of destruction? He cant, he just cant. There’s no way that more destruction can be shown on any movie. All other end of the world flicks will have to look at this one as reference because this one is the king of all “end of the world” flicks. Meteors, gigantic earthquakes, buildings colliding with one another, streets being ripped apart, giant ocean waves engulfing the land; you name it and its here! Kudos to the special effects guys! I mean, yeah, it’s over the top! But its done so well. I was literally saying “wow!” every five seconds. There’s a scene in which John Cusack and his family are flying over a plane while all the destruction is going on that’s just amazing.

But is it all a hollow special effects spectacle? Well, as is expected in a catastrophe film, we follow lots of different stories, with different families and people facing the end of the world. But the main story is that of John Cusack and his family pulling together in the middle of all the chaos. He has divorced his wife, and they have joint custody over the kids. Will the end of the world bring mom and dad back together again?

What I enjoyed the most about this movie though was that it really is epic. It takes the story further then I had expected. It’s not just about the end of the world, with all the destruction taking center stage, it’s also about he survival of the human race. How can humanity go on and survive in spite of the upcoming apocalypse? This is where I found the story got really interesting! Darren Aronofsky, the director of Requiem for a Dream, Pi and The Wrestler had an idea for a film that’s very similar to this one, but he never got around to making it. In that proposed flick, the world was coming to an end, and humans find a way to escape by building spaceships and escaping the destruction, mirroring the biblical Noahs Ark story. The same idea was approached by Pixar’s Wall-E, where humanity had to escape the garbage filled earth. On 2012, humanity manages to escape, but in a very different way.

A word of warning though. This is the kind of film where the good guys always escape at the last second, where they will be as close to death as possible without dying at all. Behind them, the world can be falling apart, but they will escape at just the last moment. I knew this is the kind of film I was going to watch, so I was just having fun with it, cause you know, this movie is a big budget studio production, millions of dollars are being spent here so of course non of the good guys are going to die! Only people to die are secondary characters or extras, and lots of those die that’s for sure! Roland Emmerich destroys many legendary landmarks on this one, like The Vatican, which gets blown to smithereens! The Christ of Corcovado gets ripped in half! The white house gets destroyed again! Yellow Stone Park goes up in flames! But somehow, the main characters always find a way to escape all of it at the last second!

Performance wise, the film has an excellent cast. John Cusack as the main character is great, to me he is always likable in whatever he is in. I loved the fact that they gave such an important role to Chiwetel Ejiofor, a great actor every step of the way, he plays the scientist trying to warn the government of the United States about whats going to happen. I was so happy to see Danny Glover in a film again! Its been so long since he was in a major film, and on this one he plays the president of the U.S. Woody Harrelson plays a bit of comedy relief on this one. It seems he is great for these kind of whacky crazy characters, he also did a fine job in Zombieland playing Talahasee, on this one, he appears briefly (his appearance plays out like something of an extended cameo) but it is one of the characters that kind of lightens up things in the film in the middle of all the chaos. Also, Oliver Platt deserves a mention here. He plays the evil polititian who cares only about himself. He lies, he is selfish, and he doesnt give a damn about the people, you know, your basic evil polititian. (Are there any good ones anyway?)  On this flick, Oliver Platt demonstrated that he has potential to play villains very well. Some director out there should take advantage of that at some point and give him more villainous roles.

On the negative side of things, the film does have similarities at one point with films like Titanic and Poseidon. You know, the kind of scene where everyone is looking out for themselves? When things get really tense and everyone goes batshit insane cause they know they that they are going to have to get really selfish in order to survive? Like those scenes where everyone is trying to get on the lifeboats in Titanic? Same type of situation here. These kind of scenes always lend themselves for lots of juicy chaos.  I hate movies that use that common scenario where people are trapped inside of a boat or something thats being flooded with water, and then someone has to go and swim underwater to do something that will save everyone else! Thats so freaking cliche! And its been done to death in hundreds of films before! And to top things off, they go with the, "but he was right behind me" bit, where you think the main character drowned on his way back...but suddenly bursts out of the water to show us that he is okay! He survived! Please, I would have been so happy without that bit in the film, but whatever, it's a minor glitch in an other wise fun and entertaining flick.

Do you think the audience will notice were standing in front of a green screen John?

The film deals with the end of the world, which is a depressing thought on its own, but it adds a bit of comedy relief thanks to the inclusion of Woody Harrelson who plays a crazy conspiracy nut, who’s up to date on all the crazy things that are going on in the world. He has one of the coolest moments in the film! Which brings me to my next point, the film is never too dark, like for example the upcoming post apocalyptic film called The Road, which presents us with a really dark out look on the post apocalyptic world. On 2012, Roland Emmerich tried his best to end things on a positive and uplifting note, because you know, this is a multi-million dollar production, and we gotta give the audience that happy ending. But multi-million dollar production hiccups aside, this movie was an entertaining ride. It’s a non stop spectacle of awesome effects from beginning to end. Highly recommend it if you want to overdose on awesome fx and an end of the world storyline. Roland Emmerich has vindicated himself with this movie. Let’s see how long he can keep himself on my good side.

Rating: 3 out of 5