Lucio Fulci's Conquest (1983)

Title: Conquest (1982)

Director: Lucio Fulci

Review:

After Conan the Barbarian was released in 1982, its success spawned a whole slew of immitations. Often times, these imitations would pale in comparison to John Milius's excellent fantasy tale. Amongst the american imitators the most prominent one in my book is Don Coscarelli's The Beastmaster, which is a fun little movie on its own, but is basically the same movie, same plot, but with a guy who talks to animals and a far smaller budget. In the Italian film market, many more cheap imitations of Conan the Barbarian emerged. Lucio Fulci, being one of the most prominent b-movie directors from Italy did his own cheap imitation of Conan. The result was Conquest.

Story is almost non existent, but essentially, what we have here are two guys living in a barbaric caveman like fantasy world filled with all sorts of weird creatures. Life is savage in this strange land, so these two guys team up to face the world together. One of them, Ilias, is a skinny wimpy looking dude, but apparently he is the son of a Zeus-like God who gives him a magical crossbow. The other guy is a Conan like barbarian who goes by the name of Mace, cause you know, he uses a nun-chuck kind of mace to protect himself from his enemies. Also, he almost always answers in monosilabic words, saying everything he has to with as little words as possible. Meanwhile, in some other part of the land, an evil sorceress queen who goes by the name of Zora has a vision in which this faceless warrior with a magical crossbow is going to destroy her. So she sends out her minions to try and stop him.

This is just another run of the mill Italian rip off, and trust me, there were many of those! What Fulci did was, he gathered all these elements from a bunch of previously released American fantasy films and went his own way with it. So what we have here is a jumbled mess of film that incorporates elements from far better films of its genre, all of which had bigger budgets then this one. Ill mention just how many films Conquest was a rip off of, just so you get an idea. First one in the line is Beastmaster. Why? Because Mace, the super tough dude who looks an awful lot like Arnold Schwarznegger, can communicate with animals! He talks to eagles and dolphins! We get elements from Conan the Barbarian, because Mace looks like a cheap imitation of Schwarzneggers Conan. You know the kind. A big tough muscular dude who doesnt say much and wont think twice before cracking your skull in two. Another thing we get from the Conan the Barbarian is the evil Queen who belongs to some sort of snake worshipping cult, just like Thulsa Doom did in Conan the Barbarian. Also, the film is centered around revenge. Same as in Conan, the evil snake worshipping cult kills the good guys family and destroys his village, so he has to go on a revenge spree. The cavemen on this movie look and even act exactly like the cavemen in Quest for Fire. And to top things off, this movie also rips off Clash of the Titans because one of its main characters (Ilias) is a son of a Zeus-like God (just like Perseus in Clash of the Titans), and even gets a special weapon from this God to aid him through his quest. So as you can see, this isnt exactly the most original of films. Fulci just fed off a bunch of other films.

Problem is, that Fulci ended up taking elements from films that had a far bigger budget then the one Conquest had. So what happens is, this film ends up falling short in the make up effects and visual effects department. What you end up getting is a cheap, laughable version of all those other films that I mentioned before. Biggest problem for me is that Conquest ends up being boring as hell. Why? Well, its normal in a fantasy film for characters to go from battling one monster to the next, and this happens on Conquest. Ufortunately, the monsters arent all that impressive. Its just guys in really cheap monster suits. Over and over again. And what happens when the good guys fight these men in monster suits? Not much, basically the same thing you see in all these cheap Italian films: people hurling each other through the air, fighting and wrestling for a couple of minutes until the good guys beat them. So its that kind of a film. No budget? Well, just get a bunch of guys to fight and wrestle each other on the screen for a while, then move on to the next boring ass fight.

"But its a Fulci film!" you say. Yeah, its a Fulci film. But you have to remember, Fulci didnt always hit the mark with his films. He has quite a bunch of just plain bad films on his resume. In my opinion, he was better off directing horror films. Fulci did fill this film with more gore then you'd normally get on a fantasy flick. The first few scenes open up with a Werewolf Clan (yup theres a werewolf clan on this film!) tearing up a native into shreds. Its a pretty graphic sequence, where each werewolf takes there favorite limb and rips it right off! Sadly, the movie does not maintain that level of entertainment all through out. It was just an amusing way to open up the film. And then there are some scenes that will really test your patience! There was this one scene where Mace is being crucified by these monsters (yeah, same way Conan was crucified in the tree of woe) and then while still crucified falls into the ocean. He is under water for far longer than it is humanly possible! More than ten minutes pass before he reemerges from the water. And this happens because he telepathically asks these dolphins to help him out! Fulci decides to show off this nifty footage of dolphins swimming left and right and it gets so freaking annoying! One starts feeling like "get to the fucking point goddamit!"  Its that kind of a movie. This being a Fulci movie, zombies make it onto the film somehow, and this being a Fulci movie, we gets tons of naked women all through out the film, and I mean lots. Dont have a budget? Just get every actress to appear topless! Guys will no doubt show up to see the movie that way. Gotta say, the actress playing the villain was hot as hell. Kudos to Fulci for choosing hot babes for his flicks, it helps alliviate the pain of being bored to death.

I guess you could say Conquest is an amusing film in the sense that its so stupid and silly, that you cant help but continue watching. Its what held me through till the bitter end. I wanted to see where Fulci could take this film. Turns out, Fulci could take this movie really really low! Try this one on for size: the main character uses a magical crossbow that shoots a lazer like arrow that devides in the air and hits all of your villains at once! Why didnt this guy use this magical crossbow earlier in the movie?? Funniest part is when the guy calls up the arrow (cause you know, you just gotta call up your weapon so it comes to ya!) it flies to him across the skies and lands right in his hand! Funny, funny film. If your in the mood for a cheap laugh, by all means, pop this silly fantasy film in your dvd player. Not Fulcis best thats for sure, but it just might entertain ya with its silly antics and its cheap ass effects. Oh, wait, did I mention the terrible dialog? Well, I just did. You've been warned!

Rating: 2 out of 5

Year One (2009)

Title: Year One (2009)

Director: Harold Ramis (a.k.a. Egon from The Ghostbusters)

Well, Im a huge fan of Monty Pythons parody on religion and politics known as Life of Brian. To me, its one of the greatest anti-religion, anti-opressive goverment movies ever made. And up front I'll let you guys now that Year One used Life of Brian as its blue print, so keep that in mind. At times it even felt like a remake of it, because it had so many similarities. Year One felt like the "dumb" american version of Life of Brian. Even though this movie has gotten some negative buzz because it gets too silly, I get the impression that its just over zealots out there taat are afraid that this movies "you dont have to follow anyone, follow yourself" message gets out there. So they automatically bash it cause they cant have this kind of movie getting any kind of support. If you ask me, I thought the movie was quite fun.

But I will say this, not everyone will find this movie fun. This movie is made for those who know a little thing or two about the bibles fairytales, um, I mean parables. Those of you who dont know Abraham of the bible from Abraham Van Helsing just wont get the jokes in this film. Cause you see what this movie does so well, same as Life of Brian and Mel Brooks History of the World did before it, is take the bible stories and put them in a funny context. Make fun of their often times ludicrous and ridiculous angles. And make you think about the plausibility of these bible stories.

The films basic premise is Jack Black and Michael Cera are two cave men trying to survive in their tribe. They both try to make it in the tribe as hunters, but just dont seem to make the cut. Since they arent good enough hunters or gatherers, they dont attract any females, so they are constantly being turned down by the girls in the tribe. One day, Jack Black gets kicked out for screwing things up and Cera decides to follow him into the wild to "start their own tribe" as they put it. Unfortunately, they arent ready for the wild and crazy world waiting for them out there. Soon they encounters other slightly more advanced civilizations. Unfortunately, these new civilizations are slaves to religion and its traps, mainly, human sacrafices and worshipping deities whos existense cant be proven. Will they escape the trappings of religion? Will they liberate the people from it?

So in the midst of all the joking around, theres some criticizing of the bible tales, theres some pointing out of a couple of the things in the bible that just seem wrong. For example Abraham killing his son cause "god told him to" or the ridiculous story of the "tree of knowledge". All pointed out just to make you think is it right for the bible to say that its okay to kill your son because "god told you to?" Or just what is the tree of knowledge? You bite a fruit that lets you know what is right and wrong in the world? How does that pass for truth and good to some people goes beyond me, but such is the nature of faith. I loved how Jack Blacks characters starts asking just what it is about this tree that makes it so "forbidden?" The symbolism of course being that what is forbidden of the tree of knowledge is the actual knowledge. Knowing too much isnt what the people in power (read: the ones that invented religion) want the general population to have. Hence: the tree of knowledge is "forbidden".

From their on in, Jack Black character is on a quest for his purpose in life. He starts philosophizing and questioning everything. In this sense, in this film we get a person who suddenly wakes up to life and says "why is everything the way it is?" and starts to question everything in his path. So basically, this movie is a film made for that kind of person, the questioning philosophers. The ones who always ask "WHY?" and "HOW?" And "SAYS WHO?!" So this was the big attraction for me with this movie. But Im also excited and curious as to what a religious person will think of this kind of film, of course they'll curse it and ask you to boycott it and what not. Interestingly enough, the film doesnt attack the idea of God or an all powerful creator behind it all, it only attacks the idea of religion as something that humanity should learn to let go of, which Im all for of course, on a personal note, religion is a dinasour from the dark ages that needs to be eliminated. On with my review.

Is the film silly? Sure, its a comedy, why should'nt it be? It stars Jack Black. He eats shit in the movie. They make all sort racy jokes. But then again, a movie like this HAS to be silly. Its the only way that a message like this one can be thrown onto the masses without them realizing it. People are going to be expecting a regular run of the mill silly summer comedy and what theyll get is a film that might make em think about a thing or two, or get them incredibly pissed off. This is a movie that asks the question "maybe we dont need religion?" and strongly asserts "maybe we can be the rulers of our own destiny!". You guys should have heard the silence in the movie theater when Michael Cera's character says "maybe God doesnt exist" It was as if a quiet bomb had suddenly fallen in the theater. But its not really what the movie is saying. The movie is more about showing how silly religion really is, and about how we dont need to follow anybody but our own selves. You know, same as that scene in Life of Brian where Brian says to all his blind followers "You need to figure it out for yourselves!". Thats essentially the crux of this film.

And this is probably why this movie wont make all that cash. But who knows, maybe people are getting wiser, and waking up from the matrix. Maybe they might give the ideas 'hidden' within the jokes a chance. Hell, they burn the religious leader in this film and suddenly everything is okay! Thats saying something! A gutsy movie that many will shun simply because of its subject matter. It isnt a masterpiece of Jack Blacks funniest movie, but its a movie with some guts, and a worthwhile message so I give it kudos just for that.

Rating: 3 out of 5

The Unborn (2009)

Title: The Unborn (2009)

Director/Writer: David S. Goyer

Review:

I always give “new” horror a chance. By that I mean that no matter how bad new horror films are, I always give them the benefit of the doubt. Who knows, we might turn out getting something as cool as Frank Darabont’s The Mistm (2007), an excellent example of what a good American horror movie should be like. Unfortunately, most of the time I end up getting disappointed with the new stuff that emerges. The Unborn was one such film.

Story revolves around this girl who is haunted by a ghost/demon which wants to posses her body. She goes around telling people about it, trying to get somebody to believe her. We get a lot of jump scares, she investigates stuff about the demon and has a bunch of nightmares involving the demon. Spooky imagery and dream sequences ensue.

David S. Goyer, the writer/director of this here film isn’t a new comer to horror films, or films in general for that matter. The guy is a very prolific writer, he’s written scripts for everything from the biggest event films like Batman Begins and The Dark Knight to the lowest zero budget horror flicks like Dollman vs. Demonic Toys. They guy has been all over the spectrum. For me, he works better as a writer then as a director. Whenever he takes a stab at directing a film, the results aren’t all that great. Blade Trinity is a good example of that. He wrote all three Blade movies and the first two are great cause he didn’t direct them. But as soon as he steps in to direct Blade Trinity, we get the first disappointing film in the series. Now I’m not gonna say that The Unborn was badly directed cause it does have its moments, there’s some genuinely creepy moments in there, there’s some disturbing imagery, some cool shots. The movie looks beautiful technically speaking, but suffers in the script/story department. Which is an ailment that modern horror movies suffer from today. They look great, but suck storywise. Ironically (and I say ironically because Goyers a writer!) I think it’s in the writing department in which this film was lacking. You’d think that a writer who gets a chance to direct his own material would deliver a better film then this. That they’d have a better grasp of the story or what would work or wouldn’t. Unfortunately, it appears as if handling both duties as writer and director is a bit too much for Goyer.

This film is trying to pay homage to a few horror classics. Mainly, its trying really hard to be three films: The Shinning, The Exorcist and Rosemarys Baby. Now, I aint blaming it for trying to be like those movies, and Im sure Goyer’s idea was to unite the best elements of these three films and make one gigantic homage to them, and in the way trying to be as successful as these three films as well. Unfortunately, the problem with The Unborn was that I just couldn’t buy into the whole hocus pocus bullshit. The trick to a good supernatural movie is to get the audience to believe what is happening, to make them buy into the whole demons are real shtick. The Exorcist for me is incredibly successful with that. Unfortunately this movie wasn’t helping me buy into any of it. Why? For starters the actors involved weren’t doing a very good job of convincing me. When you see The Exorcist, Ellen Burstyn makes you believe that her daughter is possessed. Linda Blair did such a fine job as a possessed teen! She really went all out. In Polanski’s Rosemary’s Baby, Mia Farrow truly does sell me her paranoia. Unfortunately in The Unborn, its main stars and the films director seem to be too concerned with having all the leads in the film look super hot. I mean, real people don’t look like this! Not everyone’s a freaking gap model dressed like that. I couldn’t buy these kids as being real, they just seemed like another pretty face looking to make it big in Hollywood. We need real people in films to believe em! Sorry to say even Gary Oldman didnt convince me on this one. Normally he is such a fine actor, but Im sad to inform he phoned in his performance on this one.

Mr. Oldman, what are you doing in this shitty movie man?

Another problem for me with this film was that it was too concerned with boo scares. Boo scares consist of the movie turning up the volume really loud all of the sudden to scare you. Or having something really frightning happen all of the sudden to catch you off guard. A boo scare doesnt try to really scare you, its a cheap way of getting you to jump from your seat and say "ooh that was scary!" For me that’s a problem with modern day horror films. They gotta boo scare you to death with loud music and creepy images for a couple of seconds. And then, swap! the film cuts away to some other thing. Whatever happened to sustaining one note of horror, not cutting away to something else but remaining in the horrifying moment, developing it, making it interesting? This movie does that very little. It will show you some creepy ghost, or demon or whatever and the cut away immediately to some other part of the story. Imagine if during The Exorcist, just when you see Linda Blair’s demonic face, the film would have cut to something else. It wouldnt have been as effective, cause what was scary was watching Linda Blair, a 12 year old looking all demonic and evil and perverse. What’s wrong with todays horror films? Why cant they sustain one continuous scary moment?

Okay so the boo scares pissed me off. What else was off with this movie? The script. It made no sense sometimes. And this is the thing that surprises me the most since Goyer has written some decent scripts in his time. What happened here? The jist of the film is that a spirit who was denied the entrance to heaven is looking for a body to inhabit. Um, excuse me but aren’t those kind of spirits sent to hell according to the bible? Why does this one linger about? And for some reason, the demon is obsessed with this one particular chick. The explanation? Cause she is a twin and demons just LOVE to posses twins. Why? Who the fuck knows, they just love em! So for the rest of the film the demon is after this girl. Why isn’t the demon happy with possessing anybody else? I mean, the demon practically goes around from body to body through out the whole film! Why not just stay in one of those? What’s the obsession with possessing a twin? I dont know, cause its never explained.

And what about the whole modernization of exorcism? Back in the days of  The Exorcist, a demon movie was based on Catholicism and its mythology. But not now. Not in our modern and diverse world. This exorcism doesn’t necessarily subscribe to catholic beliefs! They come up with some explenation as to how the exorcism actually ends up being a Jewish exorcism anyhows! In spite of the fact that they explain that religions don’t matter with this particular demon! And the kids have to sign some sort of release form in order for the priest to perform the exorcism. And heres the funniest part, they have to show their i.d’s to the priest in order to do it! Ha ha! Funny stuff right there! Its was like, “Okay, you are over 18, we can do it!” I was laughing by then. Then, not only that but the exorcism itself is such a silly affair. They have to say these “magic words” from some magical scripture that will make the demon go away, and they say these magic words in Hebrew, and then translate them to English solely for the purpose of having the audience understand them! That was so silly! Then they blow some sort of gigantic horn to scare the demon away, like I said silly shit. Don’t know if its just me or what, but religious horror films just aren’t scary anymore. At least not to me anyways. Or maybe this flick just made everything look too silly for me to be scared at all?

Also, I can appreciate a good dream sequence as much as the next guy. They can help us see the inner psychology of a character and what have you. But a huge chunk of this movie is composed of dream sequences. Its like one dream sequence after another. The thing with dream sequences is that they can be used in various ways. One is to let us know what the main character is thinking, what the character is afraid of. That’s one. The other way in which a dream sequence can be used is to squeeze in a scary/disturbing images in your film. Give the audience a little fun, a visual gag, a little scare. This is helpful in a horror movie because basically in the dream world, anything can happen. Unfortunately, you cannot over do this. Why? Because a dream is just a dream, and essentially, when ever a character is dreaming, it means NOTHING is happening in the real world. That’s a problem with this here film, most of it is nightmare sequence after nightmare sequence. Scary imagery in the sequences, but not much happening in the real world.

Imagery wise the film does have its moments. There are some disturbing images with the demon related stuff. Distorted faces, demon kids, demon dogs, demon elderly folk, and everything in this movie has its head upside down! The stuff you see in the nightmare sequences is awesome. Loved some of the scenes with the demon kid going all perverse. The make up effects work was excellent as was the visual effects. But again, we don’t get to see much of it cause the movie is so freaking concerned with cutting away to something else. It tries to scare you with some disturbing imagery, and then runs off to something else. Why??

Im fine with showing hot chicks in films. But shamelessly exploiting them like on this movie? What is this Transformers 2? Oh, wait, this movie was produced by Michael Bay! Everything kind of makes sense when you put that name into the equation. Michael Bays movies are all about hot chicks and superficiality. He probably set the rules for this movie as well! He probably told Goyer, "look, just put the young actress in her underwear for a huge chunk of the film, the dudes will line up to see it!"  It seems every other scene has the  main young actress running around in underwear, as if saying "We gotta give something to the young male audience to see!"  That sucked! The word I’m looking for is gratuitous. For fucks sake, even in the poster this girls in her undies! She hot, yeah, but come on.

Anyhows, sad to see that Goyer didn’t really bother writing a script that made some sense. That was a huge problem for me because you might have disturbing imagery but if you don’t have a convincing story to back it up, it all becomes silly and pointless. Like this movie. Or maybe religious themed horror movies just aren’t that scary anymore? Maybe this kind of film might have spooked audiences in the 70s or something, but now, it just feels like your watching a bunch of cgi effects with no soul or purpose. Or without any true comprehension of what is truly frightening to humans nowadays.

Rating: 2 out of 5

For All Mankind (1989)

Title: For All Man Kind (1989)

Director:  Al Reinert

Comments:

Many people take space exploration for granted. Everyone has got the general idea that space exploration is going on. And even as I type this, theres guys up there in space adding rooms to the space station. But have you ever stopped to really think about how grand it is? Space exploration I mean? Just a few decades ago no one had EVER gone into space! Much less gone to the moon. The Russians where the first guys up there, and even before them, the germans were the first to hurl satellites up into space. But it was in 1969, when the USA decided to join the space race! And a few brave souls were chosen to get their space suits on, sit on top of a bunch of rocket fuel and propel themselves up into space! And not only that, but land on the freaking moon!

For a while there, I was researching information on the whole hoax angle of this issue. You see, some people out there still believe that the lunar mission was a hoax. That humans were never on the moon and that it was all one gigantic hoax to get people to stop thinking about Vietnam. That they filmed the whole thing in sets, and exteriors right here on earth. Theres even a movie that addresses the issue called Capricorn One. Now, I don’t put it past any government to make fools of a whole nation and make them believe a fake story to deviate their attention from a given issue, but honestly, this lunar mission looks solid to me. NASA documented everything, from the preparation of the space cadets, their training…to them getting on the rocket and blasting off. I tell you, its really impressive to see that rocket blasting off into space. It’s a site to behold. NASA had cameras rolling on everything!

They even had cameras on the rocket. The documentary takes us step by step through the whole process that these guys went through. We hardly get to see the astronauts themselves as they narrate the documentary, but we hear their narration, we here them talking about their experiences and we see them in 1969 going through it all. And let me tell you, hearing these guys talk makes you see the planet, the universe and the galaxy in a whole different perspective. I thought it was awesome to hear them talking about how awe struck they were when they got to see planet earth for the first time from space. The thoughts that this kind of experience can conjure up in your head are quite unique! So it’s great to check out this documentary solely for that.

Not only do we hear them talk about the whole experience, but we get to see everything they went through. I don’t know how they were inside of that little spaceship for so long, it looked so cramped in there! You can even see the home movies they recorded themselves inside of the ship. They had some fun up there. Watching this documentary was like experiencing the whole thing with them. You can hear their frightened words, you can see them work to solve problems. There was one moment that was kind of terrifying really, when the ship suddenly has an oxygen leak! They quickly fixed the problem, but man, that must have been intense! Enough to drive somebody completely bonkers. Yet, they had nerves of steal because they solved the whole problem pretty quickly and did not loose it.

One of the most amazing moments for me is when they do their first space walk. When they open up one of the hatches and go out into space. I tell you, those guys were brave! They didn’t know what the hell was going to happen when they opened the hatch up, but they did it! And finally, when they get to the moon! What a memorable moment when they land, walk, hop and start fooling around in the moon. It was funny to see them cutting loose as they hopped through the lonely landscape of the moon. Those first few moments when they hover above the dark side of the moon? Kind of spooky! Its eerie looking at a completely alien landscape like that, its so different and unique. It all looks so desserted. Hearing them talk about how they felt being the only two humans on the moon is interesting.

My only complaint with this documentary is that I wish it had gone on a little longer. Why didn’t they show how the re-entry went? Don’t exactly know why they didn’t really go into that, but basically, we go from walking on the moon, to the guys dropping down in a parachute into the ocean. Wouldn’t the re-entry footage have been exciting to see? And a great and exciting way to end the documentary? I wanted to see what they had to say when they got out, what where their first words when they first got out of the ship? Their thoughts? Unfortunately the documentary just cuts you short right there. An interesting aspect of the documentary is that the images you see are compiled from different space missions, the images you see of the astronauts in space didn’t happen chronologically, the documentary uses images from various space missions, not just the first one.

This is an absolutely amazing and memorable doc. I salute these guys for having had the courage to explore the true unknown, and I continue to salute them for still going up there into space, exploring the universe and what’s in it. The exploration of space will definitely be one of the things that will help us understand our universe better, and the galaxy that we inhabit. In my opinion, it should be a priority to explore it, see what’s out there! Isn’t the curiosity just enough of a reason to go? Here’s hoping the next moon mission happens soon. I read somewhere that it should be on its way in the next couple of decades. Hope I live to see it.

Rating: 5 out of 5

The Great Dictator (1940)

Title: The Great Dictator (1940)

Director: Charles Chaplin

Comments:

The Great Dictator is one of those films that if you love movies, and you feel passionate about what can be done with films, you just have to watch at some point. Charlie Chaplin is a personal hero of mine because not only was he talented, but he also had a conscience, and he knew he had to do something more then just entertain and get rich, he had to say something about the world he lived in. All of Chaplins films do this in one form or another. They comment on poverty, the great depression, greed, power and as we can see in The Great Dictator, politics. I had seen two of Chaplin’s most important films Gold Rush and Modern Times and loved them both, but I wasn’t ready for the complete level of bravado (yeah that’s the word I was looking for BRAVADO!) that this film was going to unleash upon my movie watching mind.

Story revolves around a small Jewish community struggling because of a dictatorial government that’s trying to run them out of business and completely oppress them. You might immediately think it’s the Nazi’s and that this movie is all about the Hitler and his Nazi’s taking over and oppressing the Jewish, but it isn’t. It’s all about a government that Chaplin completely made up for this movie called Tomania. And its dictator leader is called Adenoid Hynkel. And he is the one trying to take over. In the midst of it all, there’s a Jewish Barber (played by Chaplin) who is trying to make his business survive in the midst of all the crazines, while at the same time trying to fall in love with a beautiful hardworking jewish girl played by Paulette Goddard.

So where do I begin? My level of admiration for this movie is beyond compare. I personally have adored Chaplin ever since I saw Modern Times. I think he was one of the most talented and genuine human beings to walk the face of the earth. He was so creative, a true genius. He could do the music, the editing, the choreography, the directing on a film, I mean the guy was truly prolific. On this particular project, Chaplin did all those things plus he was the producer of the film, investing 1.5 million of his own on the film. Had the film gone bankrupt, Chaplin would have been bankrupt himself. But he took it upon himself to send out this message to the world. A very important message that he felt he needed to bring to the world. To the masses that adored him as one of the biggest film stars of his time.

So basically, this movie got Chaplin into a heap of trouble with the government of the United States, and across the world because of its message. Which kind of gives us a very interesting insight as to how the politics of the world work. The main jist of the film is that at one point, Chaplin’s Barber Tramp character switches places with Adenoid Hynkel, the leader of Tomania. And because they both look so much alike, nobody notices. So the humble Barber gets up on stage and addresses Hynkel’s military forces and followers sending out a message of peace, and unity. All Chaplin was saying was to hell with war; let peace and harmony amongst humans take over. Now, I ask you, is that a message you would categorize as dangerous to the world? In this scene Chaplin took the opportunity to give one of the most incredible speeches any film character has ever given. You simply have to see it and hear it for yourself to understand how grand it is.

But essentially it’s a speech against the horrors of war. And about how beautiful life could really be if we stop caring so much about hate and greed. It’s really a beautiful speech. Makes you wish everyone lived by those statements. And it’s probably why he got into so much trouble for saying it. Because it’s so truthful, so heartfelt and so incredibly valid now more then ever. The speech is so incredibly rid of the usual bullshit that we hear politicians talk, where the avoid the real subject at hand, where they talk about everything except what really needs to be addressed. Not so with Chaplin’s speech on this film. It goes straight for the heart, and says exactly what needs to be said. Sad part is probably that the world hasn’t changed all that much since Chaplin made this film in 1940. War is still going on in the world, and greed is more powerful then ever. So sad.

But what about the entertaining aspects of this film? Not everything can be gloom and doom. Well, I’m happy to inform that this film is just as much entertaining and filled with laughs as it is deep in thematic elements. Chaplin is still in top form as far as his slapstick comedic abilities go. And there are some wonderfully memorable moments in this film! For example, there is this one sequence where Chaplin’s Jewish Barber is giving one of his customers a shave while doing it to the beat of Brahms’s Hungarian Dance No.5. There’s this one moment which is truly magical when Hynkel dances with a large inflatable globe of the world. Its one of the most memorable moments in cinema. There’s a sequence in which two world leaders Hynkel and Napaloni have a food fight while they decide to sign a peace treaty or not.

This is one of the things I enjoyed the most about this film, how Chaplin parodies the governments of the world in their obsession over controlling people and land, and their thirst for power. In the film Adenoid Hynkel (obviously a character modeled after Adolf Hitler) talks in gibberish that sounds like German. Chaplin takes this opportunity to make fun of how Hitler speaks, you’d swear he was speaking German, but he isn’t! Its a trick he also used in one moment in Modern Times, where you would swear he was singing in Italian, but it wasn’t. It was Chaplins own gibberish, which strangely enough you could understand just by reading his mannerisms and gestures. The results are truly funny, because in between the gibberish, you can distinguish certain words in English, its just hilarious. Even though this was one of Chaplin’s last films, he really was at the top of his game till the very end. He is one of my greatest heroes. Go and rent (or buy!) this wonderful masterpiece. It’s a film that not only entertains and makes you laugh but also says something incredibly truthful and heartfelt, and still relevant in our Modern Times.

Rating: 5 out of 5

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

Title: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

Director: Stephen Summers

So the latest craze in Hollywood is taking a cartoon from the 80s and turning it into a big budget special effects filled movie. It happened with the Transformers, which Michael Bay and his trigger happy crew turned into a huge box office success. Not to mention that the film already spawned an equally successful sequel, which by the way was for me one of the worst films made this year, but that’s a whole other review. The latest of these 80’s cartoon adaptations is G.I. Joe, which was one of the most successful cartoon series to emerge out of the 80s. Whoever was a kid during those years has to remember the show. It lasted half an hour and basically served as a commercial to sell the Hasbro produced G.I. Joe toy line. Its basic premise was that of a top secret military operation which was trying to stop Cobra, a terrorist organization hell bent on conquering the world. Aside from that, the show itself also served as a propaganda machine for the U.S. Military. Now I see that, but when I was a kid I did not realize this at all, to me it was just a cool show. In reality, it was a show trying to infuse kids with a desire to serve the U.S. Military services with pride, get that patriotic pride going at an early age. I guess it was made in part to get kids to want to serve their country just like the characters did in the show. The main slogan of the show lets you know this: “G.I. Joe! A Real American Hero!” The premise of this new film has the Joe’s trying to stop Cobra from destroying the world with a new kind of technology. Basically, a bomb of nano machines (read: microscopic machines) that will eat through anything and continue eating through whatever comes along its path. The Joe’s have to stop Cobra from using this new weapon to bring the world to its knees.

Basically this movie was exactly what I was expecting. Not much invested in depth or a good story, but lots invested in special effects an action. The movie brings absolutely nothing new to the table in terms of storytelling, in fact, it feels tired and done. Many of the plot devices on this film can be traced down to other films we’ve already seen before. For example, when you see the final confrontation between G.I. Joe and the Cobras where the Joes infiltrate Cobras hidden underwater lair, you kind of feel like you are watching a remake of Return of the Jedi or something. Right down to having the Joe’s go into the underwater base as if they were infiltrating the Death Star and escaping mere moments before it blows up into smithereens, just like the death star blows up in the last moments of Return of the Jedi. There’s a confrontation between two ninjas in the film (named Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow) that feels and looks a heck of a lot like the final confrontation between Darth Maul and Quai Gon Jin in Star Wars Episode I. The suits that the Joe’s use in the film which augment their strength and agility are directly influenced by Paramount Pictures Iron Man (2008). Scenes like that just let me see that the director wasn’t trying to be original at all. He was just going down the easy path of doing what others have already done. For Christ sake, we even get a character who is evil but tries to turn good, just like Anakin.

That’s the main problem with films like this one. They are produced so fast, and so little time is taken to come up with a worthwhile story to tell that we just end up getting more of the same. But aside from that, did the film entertain? Let’s face it, while watching a film of this kind, I don’t going in expecting a masterpiece. I was just looking for a fun time, and I went to the theater simply out of nostalgia for this old cartoon show I use to watch when I was 12 years old. I went to see these characters Id seen in my childhood brought to cinematic life. And I have to be honest, that’s exactly what I got. We get some of the key characters from the show, and they looked exactly like what I would have expected them too. The premise of the film mimicked that of the show, which was always about trying to stop Cobra from trying to take over the world. There was nothing ever truly profound of life changing about the shows themes, it was just a poorly animated show made to sell toys. The movie took the cartoons basic premise and went with it.

Have to admit it, nostalgia got the best part of me. It was cool to see the Joe’s secret facilities with all these nifty vehicles and jets, it brought me back to when I was 12, watching the show . It was cool to see Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow kicking each others asses. It was cool to see Cobra becoming Cobra and Destro becoming Destro. And I’m sure this is a movie that many a little kid will find entertaining. Me, I was just a big kid in the theater remembering the Joes. And I had a good time in doing so, there’s lots of car explosions, lots of non stop action sequences, and lots of fx to keep you entertained for half an hour. After a while though, you might feel the CGI overdose light go off inside your head, cause let me tell you, there are times when I felt like the only real thing in the film where the actors and the other 90% of the film was made up of computer generated images. But whatever, that’s a whole new genre of films that’s emerging. That’s where Hollywood wants to go now. I guess it brings down costs some, its cheaper to build something in a computer then building it for real. Sadly, this is the state of big budget special effects films, 90% of what you see on screen exists only within the confines of a computer.

But most of director Stephen Summers movies have always been like this. One look at his resume and you will find CGI infested films like The Mummy, The Mummy Returns, Deep Rising and Van Helsing. Also one look at this films cast and you see that Summers has brought many of his old friends back, like Arnold Vosloo who played the mummy in The Mummy movies. Heck, even Brendan Frasier is here in a small role training some of the newer Joe’s.It was a fun movie for what it was. I recommend it to fans of the G.I. Joe cartoons. Those thirty something guys who grew up watching this show in their afternoons after school. I’m sure they will be happy to see their childhood heroes brought to life. Movie goers who dont know what the hell G.I. Joe is will find an empty yet entertaining special effects driven film, that’s derivative of other films and doesn’t try in the least to show us something new or meaningful. It simply wants to wow you with its gee whiz effects, never keep you bored for its entire duration, and have you leave the theater feeling like you just had a sugar rush, only thing is you'll probably forget the film five seconds after you leave the theater.

Rating: 2 1/2 out of 5

Soylent Green (1973)

Title: Soylent Green (1973)

Director: Richard Fleisher

Socially conscious science fiction is my favorite kind of sci-fi. Its the kind of sci-fi that speaks about the realities of our lives, what we are living through, but filters thouse experiences through a science fiction tale. Just re-watched this classic sci-fi film because I thought it would be appropriate considering the situations were recently lived through in the world. Im talking about how in certain parts of the world, the goverment issued this massive warning against the swine flu a.k.a. H1N1. I personally saw people going "swine flu crazy". I never thought I would live through something like this, but Ive seen people wearing masks everywhere for fear of contagion. Food establishments have their employees wearing gloves and masks, people are not going out (have to admit it was great to see the movie theater line so empty) and the streets are emptier then usual! The hospitals are filled with people who think they got the swine flu but dont, and cases of people having died of the flu have been offcially reported. People are buying hand sanitizers by the truck loads and are even afraid to shake other peoples hands! Ive even personally seen people opening door knobs with paper towels so they wont get infected! Like I said, swine flu crazy.

So anyways, I immediately related to Soylent Green because of this. On the theme of mass hysteria. In Soylent Green, the world has fallen into poverty. Theres not enough food for anyone, the masses depend on the goverment to provide everything for them, so the world has fallen into chaos! The goverment provides people with this cracker/cookie thats made of soybean, and everyone goes crazy for it! People go into riots when theres no supply! I love these scenes in the film where everyone goes batshit insane because they ran out of Soylent Green. These are the most memorable scenes in the film because people just go crazy, so much so that the goverment has to use these trucks to pick them off the streets, as if they were garbage in order to control the mass hysteria that ensues.

This movie is very apocalyptic, its the end of the world and you got front row seats to it! As I watched it I realized George Romero' s Land of the Dead might have been heavily influenced by this one. It has that theme where the rich people are living apart from the masses, living in luxury, apparently unaffected by the whole thing. Similarities between both films are actually numerous! The rich vs. the poor, the rich hiding away in luxury, but eventually, the apocalypse catches up to the rich as well, and they got hell to pay as well. Finally, all out mayhem ensues.

Charlton Heston plays a cop whos investigating the death of a rich guy who is somehow involved in the production of Soylent Green and the mystery surrounding its production. Dont know what it is, but I normally dont like Hestons performances in films. On this one, he plays this macho dude, hitting women, stealing, being an asshole all the time. Except when he is with his best buddy, who is this old guy that lives with him. He treats him really nice, bringing him food and taking care of him. I guess he was just playing a guy trying to survive in the crazy apocaliptyc world, where its not easy to do the right thing.

But the best part of this film really is its feeling of paranoia and the masses going insane, the goverment being unable to handle the craziness that they themselves have created. Kind of like the same craziness I went through a couple of weeks ago with the whole swine flu paranoia! But now, who cares about the whole thing? Right now, the swine flu paranoia has died off. I find it kind of interesting how a couple of weeks ago, people didnt even want to shake hands for fear of catching the "deadly" virus! Yet now, after a few weeks have passed (and the media has cooled off their swine flu obssesion) people are slowly going back to normal. Its kind of sad how easily peoples perception of reality can be manipulated. What ever the newspapers and news channels say, is what the grand majority of people take for reality. The media stops talking about that subject matter and the world forgets. Its kind of scary when you think about it. Whatever they focus on, is what the world will focus on. Even if its exxagerated lies.

Rating: 4 out of 5